Speak in Shakespearean English — Day 1

This is day one of speaking-in-Shakespearean-English week.  I know, I slacked off a bit this month with all my work and life responsibilities and didn’t start the week until the last day of February.  I really do need to get my priorities straight :).

I woke up this morning and immediately started gibbering with my five year old.  He was forewarned that Mommy is going to talk funny this week.  He actually likes it and started talking in that Shakespearean rhythm himself.

The first real challenge though was making a return at Home Depot.  It wasn’t a simple return either but a custom ordered cabinet accessory — an eight-foot long board in a box.  Dan helped me carry it inside and said, “Here, you are on your own.  I will wait for you over there.”  He was so embarrassed by the situation that he didn’t even want to be associated with me.  Just as well, I was left there alone, holding my box.  The person in front of me took a little while to get their business straightened out.  I was in no rush and welcomed the extra time to ponder my opening line.  As I was lost in thought…

“Can I help you?”  Shit, it’s my turn.

“Greetings, Madame.  ‘Tis my desire to send hither Toe Kick back whence it came.“

“Um… Do you have a receipt?”

“That I do not.  ‘Twas issued forth to me via email.  Ah, a moment, perhaps I can procure said receipt.”  I pulled out my phone and started searching my email, then showed it to her.

“Hold on please.” All this time, she made a less than normal amount of eye contact as if she was a little embarrassed.  Why was she embarrassed?  I ought to be the one.  Anyway, she said, “This is a special order and you can’t return it.”

“Ah, but I have addressed said conundrum with Joey in Kitchen Design Department who granted me his permission, for ‘twas the fault of another employee that the order was mistakenly placed, rendering me numerous delays in my project.  My desire was for Baseboard but thy company sent Toe Kick in its stead.  I prithee, page Joey if thou wisheth to hear it in his own words.“

She gave up, I’m not sure whether because it’s too much trouble to call Joey or she is sick of dealing with my weird way of speaking.  She processed the order.  After she briefly spoke with a supervisor and printed out a label, I finally swiped my credit card.  Before I signed though, I realized that they had put in the wrong amount.  Why now!?!  Umm… Let me see.

“But tis the wrong amount.  I prithee run it once more.”  After another 5 minutes, she finally got it right, and I sign.

“I thank thee and bid thee adieu!”  With that, I walked out of Home Depot.  It’s going to be a long week…

Links to related posts:

• Part 1: this post
• Part 2: Poopy Shakespeare Week
• Part 3: Shakespeare Week Wrapeth Up